Infestation
by L.D. Eddy
Summary: The Iceberg has a Dormouse problem. Arkham City. SHORT FIRST CHAPTER. Part of the Wonderland Tales. Alludes to future Penguin/OC.
1. Chapter 1

He reached forward and ripped the burlap bag off of the girl's head.

"Well, hello there, Sir," the girl said. "Why did the rabbits put my head in a teapot?"

"'ead in a teapot, girl?" He asked. "Why, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever 'eard – 'ead in a teapot. Boys!" He shouted. Two of his men stepped forward. "What sort o' loony 'ave you brought me?"

"S-sorry, boss, we thought she was-"

"She was what? Out with it."

"We thought she'd be a good, er, gift. For ya. We thought ya was lonely, so we-"

"A gift?" He asked.

"Er, y-y-yes, Boss."

"I'm a gift? Is it your unbirthday? A very merry unbirthday to you, sir!" The girl piped up. He withheld a groan.

"Why this one?" He demanded.

"Why, I must imagine you're almost as small as I am!" The girl said, as if to answer his question. "Have you grown smaller as well?"

"You," He turned away from his men to look at the girl. "How old are you?"

"Why, time is a rather funny thing, isn't it? You're always older than you say you are since time is always running away. Since we're on the subject of time, would you mind telling it to me? I fear I might be late."

"Girl. How old are you?" He paused and tacked on, "In years."

"Well, in years I must be twenty-five, I suppose."

"What's your name?"

"Which one?"

"What?"

"Well, everybody has two names, at least here."

"Tell me both, girly."

"Well, I'm usually Dormouse, but sometimes I'm Molly."

"Dormouse," All of the funny things she'd said suddenly connected. "You work for Tetch."

"The Hatter? Yes. In fact, I'm late for a very important-"

"Date?" He tacked on snidely.

"Appointment," she corrected. "I haven't had a date in such an amount of time, which is really quite ridiculous a statement, don't you think? Why, such an amount of time could be months, or years, or days, or even minutes."

"You idiots better go find the 'atter, or it'll be your heads," he said to his men. He could feel a headache coming on from being around this girl.

"Their heads? Are you taking them to the Queen of Hearts? She'll off them!"

"That's the point."

"Oh."

* * *

_**A/N: So, this is another short first chapter, but I like it and I felt that that was a pretty good spot to end it on.**_

_**On another note, I seriously just...**_

**__****I'm starting to ship The Penguin and The Dormouse.**

**__****And I'm not ashamed of it.**


	2. Chapter 2

"You 'ungry, girl?" He asked. The girl nodded.

"Yes, I suppose I am. The King's guards refused my meals before taking me here," She said.

"The King?"

"Why, he's a curious man. One would go so far as to call him Strange. At least, that's what everybody else has been calling him."

"Strange 'as been starving the inmates then. Come," He said. The girl stood and he noticed that she was, indeed, a small woman. In fact, she looked to be only an inch shorter than him - which was odd, seeing as he was 4'10".

He led her down a couple of hallways and into the dining area of the restaurant before sitting her at one of the tables. Immediately one of his men descended upon the table.

"Er, what would you like to eat, Boss?" the man asked.

"My usual. The same for her," he told the man who then nodded and walked away to the kitchen as quick as he could.

The girl was staring at him and it was starting to irritate him.

"What?" He snapped at her. She smiled impishly.

"I like your monocle," she stated simply. He blinked. She thought the damned beer bottle lodged in his face was a monocle. Someone must've been curing hats with mercury and it wasn't the damned Hatter.

The rest of dinner passed by in an almost silence which he thanked. The girl was downright confusing when she talked and it was as if she knew it was irritating him because she would frown when his eyebrows crumpled together as he tried to interpret what she'd been saying.

* * *

He sat down at his desk while Dormouse looked around the office.

"Oh, this is quite-" His head snapped up at the sound of her voice.

"Oi! Put that down!" He yelled. She jumped but gently placed the umbrella down. "Damn dame, touchin' things what don't belong to 'er," he mumbled angrily. Her face pulled into a pout. "That's a .45 caliber umbrella, girly and it'd take your hands off, the way you were 'oldin' it.

"Apologies, sir," she said quietly. She tucked her hands beneath her, as if to help curb the desire to touch everything in the office.

_**Knock Knock**_

Now who the bloody hell could that be?

"Come in," he snapped irritably.

The door slowly opened and one of his employees stepped in.

"What the hell are you doin' back so soon? Thought I told you to go get the 'atter. Where's the other one o' ya?" He demanded.

"Uh, s-sir, Hatter's busy," the man said.

"Busy? Too busy to come get his-" He looked over at the girl and watched as she rubbed the toe of her shoe against the floor.

"H-he asked me to ask if you would keep her here for the time-being. Said something about Alice. He, uh, he k-killed Joe."

"He has Alice?" The girl asked, turning to look at the man with hope.

"Uh, y-yeah. Think so."

"Is she the _real_ Alice?" The man glanced up at him for a moment before turning back to the girl.

"Uh, dunno. Maybe."

"Maybe?" The girl asked, her brows furrowing. "Was she crying?"

"She w-wasn't awake."

"Oh," she muttered. She went back to scuffing her toe.

His man turned to look at him. "I-is there anything you need, boss?"

"'ave someone make a bed up for the Dormouse, 'ere. She'll be staying if only to collect a favor from that damned 'atter."

"Yes, sir. A-anything else?"

He spared a glance at the girl.

"Make sure she gets cleaned up and she gets some proper clothes. Girl's filthy," He muttered the last part under his breath.

"Yes, sir. Uh, Miss, uh Dormouse?" The man asked. The girl looked up.

"Yes, sir?" She asked.

"Follow me, Ma'am."

"Yes, sir."

"Boy!"

"Yeah, Mr. Cobblepot?" The man asked.

"Bring 'er back 'ere after she's bathed. Lord knows we don't need 'er wandering 'round the place unaccounted for, 'specially with 'er bein'- well, you get the idea."

"Yes, boss."

* * *

_**A/N: So, I don't feel like this is as good as the first chapter, but it'll do...for now. I might change my mind and think it's great later, cuz I do that sometimes, but whatevs.**_

_**Oh! For extra bits and pieces, or just for the randomness that I like/that spews forth from my brain, go follow me on tumblr. The link is on my profile!**_

_**REPLIETH**_

_** SwordStitcher: Yay! Does this mean you're on the Cobblepot/McKean ship with me? Those last four lines are probably my favorites when it comes to this story, at least so far. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**_

_**Erik-is-my-angel1234: I'm glad you liked it and I hope you like this one as well.**_

_**The Great Birthgiver: My mother REVIEWED! Yay! I'm glad I made you almost-giggle. I hope you liked this chapter as well, Mommy.**_

_**Talk to you guys later!**_


	3. Chapter 3

The girl pranced – yes, pranced, because that was the only word he could think of to describe the skipping stride she used – back into his office with a smile on her face and her hair dripping onto one of _his_ shirts. He frowned.

She plopped down in the chair across from him and sat there, looking at him with a pinched expression, as if she wanted to say something.

"What?" He finally snapped.

"I'm not quite sure," She said, tilting her head so it almost rested on her shoulder. "That is, I'm not quite sure who you are. You see, I know Cheshire Cat, and I know Hatter. I know the Jabberwock, the fiendish beast he is, but I can't quite place who you are." He glared with the intensity of hellfire, but the little chit didn't seem to care – or, rather, notice. "You're not the Walrus. And I don't thi-"

"Ready for bed?" He asked, cutting her off. The girl stood and nodded, a smile on her face.

"Oh, I believe I am. It's been so long since I've slept, especially in such cozy a home. Tell me, what part of Wonderland is this? I would so like to come back and visit sometime, that is if Hatter lets me."

"You're in the Iceberg Lounge, girl," He said. He grabbed the phone from his desk. "Send Bill in," He barked into it.

"Oh, Bill! I remember Bill, he was quite nice, especially for a lizard. Of course, that must be because he works for you, er, whoever you are. Truly, what is your name?"

"The Penguin," He snapped.

"Penguin? Why, I do say, I don't think I've ever heard of Penguins in Wonderland! Oh, you must tell me what part of Wonderland you're from!" He glared at her. "Please?"

"No."

"Have I angered you?"

"Yes."

"Oh, well, that's no good at all. You," she nibbled her bottom lip a little and her visage grew cautious. "You won't send me to the Queen, will you?"

"Not if you behave," he snapped. The girl nodded and sat back down in the chair and played with the he of her – _his_ – shirt. They waited for a minute before he started to get angry. Where was Bill? He grabbed the phone again. "Boys! Where's Bill?"

"Uh, sorry Boss, uh, Bill hasn't responded to anything we've tried to-"

"Well, one of you get your arses in here, or else!"

"Are you going to off their heads?"

"Shut up, girl."

* * *

_**A/N:**_

_**Yet another chapter! Yay! **_

_** Erik-is-my-angel1234:**_

_**I'm glad you enjoyed and I hope you enjoyed this one just as much.**_

_** Bat-teen 28:**_

_**I'm super glad that you're enjoying this and I hope this one is just as good as the last.**_


	4. Chapter 4

Apparently, on his way towards the office, Bill had fallen in with Tiny and had turned into – well, he was being digested and they'd had to fish some of his body out of Tiny's fish bowl.

And apparently, 'for the time-being' meant days for the Mad Hatter.

Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot was not happy with this arrangement.

_Tetch owes me bloody big for dealin' with 'is...whatever she is to 'im,_ he thought angrily as he stared at Lewis, the man who'd just come back from dealing with Hatter.

It wasn't as if the girl was _much_ work. She just didn't make any sense. She was downright insane, a nutter through and through. And hell, she was getting that stupid Wonderland poetry stuck in his head.

"You know, perhaps you're the Caterpillar!" the girl piped up. He glared at her from across the dinner table.

"I'm the bloody Penguin, girl, and it'd do you well to remember that," he growled. She nodded and looked down at her plate before glancing up at him. She waited a moment before opening her mouth again.

"Perhaps," she said, wiping the corners of her mouth with the napkin. "Perhaps there _are_ penguins in Wonderland. I've just never heard of it or seen it. Though, of course, believing isn't seeing, as seeing isn't believing, you know. Of course."

"Of course," he muttered, stabbing with his fork at the fillet on his plate.

"Ah! You've agreed with me! We've come to the most logical conclusion one can come to, at least in Wonderland, of course."

_If she said 'of course' one more time, he was going to-_

"Hey, Boss!" A voice yelled.

_Thank God. Whoever it is will be getting a raise of some kind_, he thought.

"What?" He snapped.

"Hatter's here. Said something about the a mouse? Hey, you think he's here to get that girl that's been hangin' 'round and speakin' funny?" The man asked.

"Of course 'e is, you idiot. Let 'im in!" Penguin stood and yelled at the man who then darted out of the room to retrieve the Hatter.

"Is Hatter here?" The girl asked, looking at him.

"Yeah."

"Oh," she looked down at the soup she'd asked for after finding one of the menus. "I suppose I must leave then, of course." _Oh, you bloody well must, you little- _"It was nice meeting you, Mr. Penguin, sir," she said. She folded her napkin and set it on the tabletop next to her soup bowl before grabbing her small cloak, draping it over her shoulders and standing. The girl looked...sad, of all things, she was _sad_ that she was leaving. "I had quite a bit of fun, sir," she stepped closer to him and he had the thought that she was going to shake his hand.

She did not shake his hand.

The girl smiled and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"I'll have to visit your Iceberg more often, Mr. Penguin, sir!" She called as she traipsed out of the room.

Hatter definitely owed him.

* * *

_**A/N: ENJOY! Oh, this is the last chapter.**_

_**Bat-teen 28: I'm glad you think this is funny. The Dormouse is pretty crazy.**_


End file.
